New Mexico mixes politics, blackmail, conspiracy, extortion, witness tampering, official oppression, and topless dancers in one neat package.  Texas politicians can only do about two things at once, as Rick Perry aptly demonstrated.

Thanks to Deb for the heads-up.

Okay, okay — it wasn’t enough when he said that his wife drives “a couple of Cadillacs” while the rest of us are hoping to have at least a couple of good tires on our 2001 GMC pickup.

No, siree, Romney had to remind us that he’s just a regular NASCAR kind of guy.

Asked Sunday if he follows racing Romney replied, “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners,” the AP reports.

As our customer Gramian said in homage to Ann Richards, “Poor Mitt, he was born with a silver head up his butt.”

Thanks to Gramian for the heads-up and the great line.

Okay, so let’s do some math.  How many people live in Wyoming?  550,000 give or take a few lost hikers and a couple of folks from Nebraska who hate corn?  By comparison, Houston has a population of 2.1 million.

So, I understand that with that small population pool, it’s gotta be difficult to find 90 sane people in Wyoming to serve in the State House and Senate.  Honestly, Houston has trouble finding that many sane people to serve on city council and lately they’ve been missing a few in their quest, too.

So, when Wyoming decided that they needed a Doomsday Plan, they should have gone sanity hunting instead.  No, seriously.

The task force would look at the feasibility of Wyoming issuing its own alternative currency, if needed. And House members approved an amendment Friday by state Rep. Kermit Brown, R-Laramie, to have the task force also examine conditions under which Wyoming would need to implement its own military draft, raise a standing army, and acquire strike aircraft and an aircraft carrier.

Uh, I checked a map of Wyoming.  Just to see if they moved it.  You know, that could happen.  Wyoming is 96% white people and you know how white people are always moving crap around.

Nope, it appears pretty much landlocked.  I don’t know where the aircraft carrier would go, but unless they know something about Oregon and Idaho that they aren’t tellin’,  it appears they have taken leave of their senses.

I don’t suppose that I need to tell you that Republicans have held the state house and senate in Wyoming since 1964.

“I don’t think there’s anyone in this room today what would come up here and say that this country is in good shape, that the world is stable and in good shape — because that is clearly not the case,” state Rep. Lorraine Quarberg, R-Thermopolis, said. “To put your head in the sand and think that nothing bad’s going to happen, and that we have no obligation to the citizens of the state of Wyoming to at least have the discussion, is not healthy.”

Good Lord, woman, we have a black President and it appears he’s going to be re-elected.  Get over it.  It’s not like 9-11 happened on his shift or he declared war on two countries with no way to pay for it.  Are y’all going to hire Dick Cheney as your Secretary of Defense?  I hear he’s looking for work.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

Thanks to Ralph for the heads-up.

Sing along, now.  I don’t care if it’s Daddy or Momma, ‘long as I got my plastic Obama riding on the dashboard of my car.

Okay, so I tried to get Oprah to give us a car as our prize in honor of the Michigan primary, but the best I could do is a Dashboard Obama for your American  made car.

Yes, Folks and Folkers, this is a genuine plastic official Barack Obama Dashboard Doll brought to you by the fine makers of pretty much everything plastic.

You guess the outcome of the Four Horsemen of the Republican Apocalypse – Gingrich, Santorum, Romney and Paul in order of their finish in both the Michigan and Arizona primaries.  Then you guess their percentages.

In case of tie, names of the tied guys will be written on pieces of scrap paper and ceremoniously placed in a plastic cup, where a winner will be drawn by Verdelia, this year’s official ceremonious drawing queen.

This contest ends at noon on Tuesday.  And, yes, you may enter more than once in case Romney gets attacked by a dog on Monday or Santorum gets swooped up by a an alien spaceship and taken to HappyLand …. again.  However, entering more than twice is considered rude.  I don’t you don’t care, but Momma does.

Good luck and may the best crapshooter win.

Well, how about these apples?

Remember how I told you about former Republican Party Chairman Rick Miller being a thug?  (Click any of those links because he’s a serial thug.)

Rick Miller: thug

Well, he resigned as Party Chair but ain’t dropped the thuggery yet.  The new chairwoman of the local GOP wrote a 19 page letter just to say that  Rick Miller (it opens in Word) is an arrogant vicious divisive untrustworthy son of a motherless goat nincompoop thug.  I just did it in 11 words. And if you gave me an extra word to use, I’d probably pick supercilious just because I know he’d have to look it up.

Our local Republicans are fighting so badly that they’re going to the sheriff’s department and filing charges on each other.  It’s better than the circus coming to town.

The former-former chair even sent out an email of his own.  Message from Gary (also in Word) is shorter.  Here it is in PDF.  However, he’s unwilling to take responsibility for his words and will only give you the names of people over the telephone if you call him.  You know, gossip.  Like a little girl. Good Lord, Gary Gillen, grow the hell up.  When I’m hacked at somebody, I use their name, out loud, on the internet machine.  Like I’m using yours right now within spittin’ distance of the word wimp.  Isn’t it the Republican gossip machine that got y’all in this mess in the first place?

Cripes, you people want to govern?  First graders with finger paints couldn’t make a bigger mess than you have right here in Brazos River City.

That’s the problem with our local Republican Party.  They have no adult leadership.

Locals will enjoy the delicious reading.  People from foreign states will take heart to know that the GOP being split three ways is even happening locally.