Archive for October, 2011

Hang Black Crepe Over Her Nose Because Her Brain is Dead

October 29, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Even after a rough night last night, Michele Bachmann can still make me giggle this morning.

In a recent interview with ABC News, Bachmann accused Texas Gov. Rick Perry of borrowing heavily from her campaign’s tax plan in his latest iteration of his flat tax proposal.

“Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. And so we’re grateful,” Bachmann told ABC News. “The ideas that I’ve been espousing — again lower the taxes rates, flatten it, make it far more simple, far less complex, but also make it so that the average American can fill out their taxes on a postcard — I’ve been talking about this for months. These are all good ideas, and if other candidates want to come and take these ideas out of my plan, they’re more than happy to take them.”

First, since Bachmann has given absolutely no specifics about her plan more than the above mentioned, it seems that anyone who says “my tax plan is good, and like, you know, simple and in addition less complex, and easier and plus not so hard,” is stealing her plan.

Second, and I’m talking to Michele here so I’m gonna whisper, “Honey, when you say that someone stole your tax plan, make it one that economists and people who can do math aren’t laughing their butts off about.”

Big Pot of Chili

October 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

A little cool front came through here yesterday so I’ve got a big pot of chili on the stove just waiting for the game tonight.

Watching the game last night was like watching Groundhog Day.

And for you non-baseball fans out there, let me just remind you that God does not take away from your allotted time on this earth any time spent at the ballpark.   Next best thing – a great series on the teevee or the radio.

Go Texans!

Our Very Own Barb

October 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

One of our long time customers, BarbinDC, had a little spare time yesterday and sashayed herself over to the Capitol to help deliver some petitions with progressive Democratic Representative showing support for the Occupy movement.  My signature was on there so he helped make sure it got to Speaker Boehner.

You can catch a glimpse of Barbara in a brown smocked blouse.

Her report:

Five or six Democratic House candidates from all over the country were also there and each spoke to the cameras before we went to Boehner’s office.  What a feisty bunch they are!  We weren’t allowed inside the office; the Press Secretary came out to the hall and keep saying the same thing over and over:  I’m happy to accept your petition and will give it to the Speaker.  There were some cameras from CNN and other folks, so the candidates all gave another short spiel for their benefit.  One of them noted that we were standing by a sign at the office door that said:  Welcome!  Please come in! HAHAHAHA!

Looks like Boehner has the same rules as Crockett Keller’s handgun school.

Well done, Barb, well done.  A grateful beauty salon thanks you.

So Here’s The Plan

October 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

The main problem with Rick Perry saying ignorant things is that it encourages the masses in Texas to do the same.

Mason, Texas, where the town’s motto is “Yeah, well, we never heard of you either,” has a certified license to carry school run by a man named Crockett Keller.  Now I gotta fess up right here that I am gonna start writing the book that’s been jangling around in my head since I now have the main character’s name – Crockett Keller.

Except, my Crockett Keller, unlike the real one, will have a brain.

It seems that the 65 year old Crockett bought himself some advertising for his license to carry school on the radio station in Mason, Texas.  Since Mason, Texas, ain’t a place you can get to accident, I suspect “radio station” means Joe Bob’s Ham Radio and Feed Store.

Here’s what Crockett Keller said:

“If you are a socialist liberal and/or voted for the current campaigner-in-chief, please do not take this class. You have already proven that you cannot make a knowledgeable and prudent decision as required under the law.

“Also, if you are a non-Christian Arab or Muslim, I will not teach you the class. Once again, with no shame, I am Crockett Keller. Thank you and God Bless America.”

Spoke like a true Christian, by gawd.

Now, I imagine there ain’t exactly herds of libruls and Arabs in Mason, Texas, but I could be wrong about that.  No, I’m not wrong; I just said that to be nice.  Mason is off the highway between Llano and Junction.  They voted 73% for John McCain and Sarah Palin.  That’s not like hanging out the welcome sign for diversity, you know.

You can listen to Crockett on the radio right about here.  You might want to listen just to hear him try to pronounce “Muslim.”

Now the State of Texas can’t take away Crockett’s right to teach the licensing class “unless a written complaint, complete with evidence, is filed.”

So what we need is a Librul in an Obama tee-shirt to head directly to Mason, Texas with a film crew.  And a police escort.  And a couple of cattle prods.  And open up a yoga class across the street from Crockett.  With free beer.  And a big screen for football games.  And a Monster Truck Rally field in the back.  And girls, girl, girls.

Crockett is 65 years old.  His heart ain’t that strong.  There are some weapons better than a handgun.

Friday Toon

October 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Sweet Jesus, Please DO Something With These People

October 27, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

It’s Halloween and the Super DeLux Brand Christians need guidance on this whole witch and warlock thing.  Customer Robert pointed it out to me.

So, when I first read this, I thought it was a joke.  First off, “Probe Ministries” just sounds dirty to me.

Second off, this woman seriously suggests that people hand out “terrific kid-friendly tracts” of an evangelical nature along with your candy.  Cool way to get known as the crazy lady on your block.

And I swear this is serious:

Talk to your kids about “God’s no-no list” in Deuteronomy 18 and have them help you identify those things when they see them advertised or used as decorations. (You might keep a running total of all the witches you’ll see just to quantify this concept.) This is probably the best way to prevent your children from getting desensitized to things of the occult. Help them identify all the Halloween items that strike fear in them, and encourage them to take a stand against their power by saying out loud, “God has not given me a spirit of fear!” Show them this verse in their Bibles (2 Timothy 1:7) so they know they are using the sword of the Spirit against one of the wiles of the enemy.

Goodness sake, why not just have them crawl under their beds and pray all night?

Customer Robert and I also loved this one —

It seems that the costume manufacturers have really cranked up production of all sorts of costumes to a degree we’ve never seen before. Gone are the days of burning a cork to blacken a face, put on some thrift-shop oversized clothes and dressing up as a hobo. (There’s probably some politically-correct term for “hobo” these days anyway. . .)

Yeah, they’re call “the people the Republican Party left behind.”  You know, the 99%.

And we can’t be having no floozy women at Halloween, you know.  She says women should “dress moderately.”  Men, I suspect can run around shooting out street lights wearing nothing but a grin and coon skin hat.

Of course, Probe Ministries is in Texas.  Of damn course.

Be sure to show this to your friends.  They will laugh and understand why we elect Rick Perry.