Archive for March, 2011

FYI for Texans

March 29, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


While we’re sitting here watching the inmates at the Texas Lege, it’s fun to remember that this bunch didn’t create crazy but they are building on a strong foundation.

Every session, Texas Monthly list the ten best and worst members of the Lege.  Here’s the history back to 1973.  You have to create an account to read it all, but it’s painless and free.

A Gentle Reminder to the Butthead We Have for Governor

March 29, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Juanita has come to the conclusion that Texas Republican Rick Perry is telling Texans to walk it off.

Lost your job?  Walk it off, you wussy.

Kids sick?  Big deal.  They weren’t particularly attractive kids anyway.  Make another one.

Rick Perry is refusing to dip into the Rainy Day Fund for teachers, children’s medical care or granny’s nursing home.  He says we need to save that money in case of a big, giant natural disaster.  Just like the one that happened before where his campaign donors needed their money back.

And while Perry is adamantly against using the fund for schools or medical care this year, in 2003 he persuaded the Legislature to allocate $295 million for his Texas Enterprise Fund and in 2005 another $100 million for his Emerging Technology Funds.

He has used both to subsidize business start-ups for major campaign contributors.

“Yeah, Rick,” Juanita says, “We know your definition of natural disaster.  It involves your buddies running out of beer on game day.”

Juanita just wants to remind you what’s on the line here.  Rick Perry and his pals have raped Texas and left Little Johnny and Grandma in the dumpster.

Yeah, But Does His Hair Have Proof of Citizenship?

March 29, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


As we at The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc., noted last week, Donald Trump has become a birther.

In an event so filled with hypocrisy that little bubbles of delight dribble over the edges, it has been discovered that Mr. Trump also does not have a legitimate birth certificate.  Oh, yes.  Ooooh, oooooh, right there.

It appears that Mr. Trump’s certificate of birth is not, get this – NOT, an official document.  It is simply a certificate from the hospital.   Ben Smith commented

Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.

Republicans – you just gotta love them.

Change Is In The Wind

March 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

It was announced recently that Juanita lives in the most diverse county in Texas.

The Bronx. Queens. Fort Bend? Texas now has some of the nation’s most diverse counties, according to an index created by USA Today to analyze U.S. Census data.

And her home county, Fort Bend, is the 4th most diverse in the United States.  It wasn’t always that way, which is why of the 27 Republican elected officials in this county, 22 of them are fluffy white boys, and 5 of them are white females.

There are no Democrats or minorities elected countywide.  None.  Minorities and women have tried to run in the GOP primary but none of them have made it out of the primary since the early 90’s.

“Yes, we’re diverse in our elected officials.  We have a tall white guy, a short white guy, a fat white guy, a bald white guy, and a least a dozen white guys who are worthless as a four card flush,” Juanita announces.

I Pay More Taxes Than General Electric and Exxon Mobile Combined.

March 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


As you’ve heard before, two of Juanita’s best customers moved from Texas to Vermont.  Juanita sends Al and Carol reports of great weather all winter long.  In return, they send her pictures of Bernie Sanders, a Great American. That’s not a fair fight.

Bernie Sanders has just released a list that was sent to me by Carl (who lives in Michigan and thinks the beauty salon should be international) of corporations that pay diddle squat in taxes.

BURLINGTON, Vt., March 27 – While hard working Americans fill out their income tax returns this tax season, General Electric and other giant profitable corporations are avoiding U.S. taxes altogether.

With Congress returning to Capitol Hill on Monday to debate steep spending cuts, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) said the wealthiest Americans and most profitable corporations must do their share to help bring down our record-breaking deficit.

Sanders renewed his call for shared sacrifice after it was reported that General Electric and other major corporations paid no U.S. taxes after posting huge profits.

Thelma is irate.  “Here I am so poor that I have a pinecone for a pet, and Citigroup made $4 billion in profit but paid no taxes.  That makes me want to have a fit and fall in it.”

We agree.

Newt Found Sweet Jesus. And If Newt Found Him, He Was Probably Hiding Under The Sheets.

March 28, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Newt Gingrich, living proof that even real ugly guys can get lucky sometime, has found Jesus.

Moneychanger John Hagee

Newt went to the Pentecostal church of moneychanger John Hagee – a man who looks remarkably like Newt.  And, like Newt, Hagee left his first wife for a newer, younger model.  Hagee’s the guy who thinks that Katrina was caused by homosexuality and he talks some heavy-duty trash about Catholics.

Newt told the sheep at Hagee’s Cornerstone Church —

“I have two grandchildren — Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

“Yeah” Juanita said, “but I’m afraid that if Newt wins, our grandchildren will all be sluts.  And really hateful sluts without jobs, too.”

I guess it’s just a trade-off you have to make.  Secular or slut.  That’s Newt’s worldview.