Archive for January, 2011

Shiver, Meet Spine

January 25, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

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Juanita has long been amused at the Texas Republicans for passing the buck (literally) when it comes to funding.  Although they loudly and viciously oppose federal unfunded mandates, they don’t mind creating some of their own.

It is her theory that the Lege passes their fiscal problems along to the counties, who, in turn, pass it along to the cities.  Once the cities go bankrupt, funding all Texas governmental functions will rest on the shoulders of school districts.

“This,” Juanita lectures, “is why there’s a bill in the Lege to let schoolteacher carry handguns.  You gotta have police, and if all other government in Texas is bankrupt, school teachers, who the Lege assumes are shockingly underworked anyway, will be charged with the additional duties of law enforcement.  That’s a fact.”

Democrat Donna Howard filed an amendment —

The amendment to the resolution establishing the House rules would have required that any bill that would have a fiscal effect on local governments not come to the House floor for debate until after the budget has passed.

Howard said her proposal would have “prevented unfunded mandates going back to local governments” before lawmakers fully understand the state’s fiscal situation.

Her amendment failed. The matter was tabled, with votes falling along party lines.

The Texas Republicans in the Lege said they “agreed with the premise of the amendment but didn’t want to deal with it during the rule-making process.”

Yeah, right.  We get it.  All swagger and no guts.

“Times are tough, and the Republican Party, who created those tough times, are acting like Moses Rose,” Juanita concludes.  “Mark my words, they’re arming teachers for a reason.  But that’s okay, because having a gun aimed at your back while writing ‘I will not pass along unfunded mandates’ on the blackboard 100 times just might be what they need.”

Y’all, I’m Scared Now

January 24, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

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The Austin American Stateman’s John Kelso is taking some heat for his humor column about Texas First Lady Anita Perry being a tad too unpleased about being deep in the heart of Texas.

But, Anita Perry’s lack of a smile during the inauguration is diddle squat compared to what Juanita found among online pictures taken during the swearing-in.  It’s of Rick Perry’s parents (standing) and by gawd …..

The Emperor Palpatine.

Seriously.

If Irony Was Water, We’d Need To Learn the Backstroke

January 24, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

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No kidding.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry likes to tell Washington to stop meddling in state affairs. He vocally opposed the Obama administration’s 2009 stimulus program to spur the economy and assist cash-strapped states.

Perry also likes to trumpet that his state balanced its budget in 2009, while keeping billions in its rainy day fund.

But he couldn’t have done that without a lot of help from … guess where? Washington.

Turns out Texas was the state that depended the most on those very stimulus funds to plug nearly 97% of its shortfall for fiscal 2010, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures.

“So, now with a $27 million budget shortfall and no stimulus funds left, we’re up Perry Creek with no paddle.  Hell, we don’t even have a boat,”  Juanita stomps.

“So every time Perry badmouths DeeCee, please remember that he’d be just another unemployed hooker without them,” she shakes her head.

Oh Kiddo, This Just Ain’t Right

January 24, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

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There’s a guy in Colorado who ran for Secretary of State but apparently forgot to look up the salary of that office before he ran.  Poor guy, the job only pays $68,500, and this guy has to support himself, his wife and daughter and an elderly parent on that salary.  Do the math, that’s just impossible.

“You can’t live on that,” Juanita says.  “Hell, that isn’t even minimum wage, is it?”

So, this guy decided to be both Secretary of State and work for a law firm that does business with the Secretary of State.

“You know, the Republican method of government,” Juanita explains.

Gessler, a Republican who defeated Democratic incumbent Bernie Buescher in November, said he’s going to be working about 20 hours a month for the Hackstaff Law Group, formerly Hackstaff Gessler, one of the most well- known elections and campaign law firms in town, and distinguished for representing many Republican soft-money organizations. Gessler, who will earn $68,500 as secretary of state, said that salary wasn’t enough to support his family.

But, take heart, at least he never made a campaign promise that he wouldn’t sell-out the Secretary of State’s office.

In response, Gessler said he never promised to “set aside his past associations” while campaigning. While there are no media accounts prior to the election of Gessler saying he would be moonlighting, he says he never hid that fact.

He said he is asking Attorney General John Suthers, also a Republican, to “review” his decision to work part time for his old law firm. Suthers’ office said it would not comment on the matter.

“I’ll bet that ‘I won’t come into your house while you’re asleep and raid your refrigerator’ was also not one of his campaign promises but I’d be plenty hacked if he did it,” Juanita says.

“Why do those Republicans just drop their drawers in the middle of the road and wiggle their fannies right in our face, Juanita?” Verdelia asks.

“Habit,” Juanita replies.

Voter ID

January 24, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

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The Texas Senate will consider voter ID today.

Since the last election, Juanita has rethought her position on voter ID.

“The Texas House is now two-thirds Republican, and at least half crazzzzy people.  I want voter ID to find out who the hell elected them,” Juanita announces.

“It’s not that kinda of ID?”

Never mind.

Well, Just Damn

January 22, 2011 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

I was out on the town, as we chicas from The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon, Inc. are apt to do a Friday night and so I totally missed Keith Olbermann’s last show.

I’m sure that Juanita will have plenty to say about this when I get the beauty salon later today, but meanwhile please feel free to holler bad things about Comcast (which Al Franken warned us about) right here in the comment section. Keep it clean; Momma’s watching.