Archive for November, 2010

Tom DeLay and My Victim Impact Statement

November 30, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Under section 56.03 of the Texas Code of Criminal Procedure, victims of felony crimes in the State of Texas have the right to file a Victim Impact Statement.  They may also request compensation for any physical or psychological damage they have suffered as a victim of said felony.  The judge can consider the information given in the Victim Impact Statement in deciding the punishment for the perpetrator of the felony.

Juanita called the Travis County District Attorney’s Office and requested permission to file a Victim Impact Statement in the case of The State of Texas vs. Thomas Dale DeLay.  Yes, she did.

Yesterday she got as far as the victim coordinator, who seemed a tad confused about the whole thing, telling Juanita that she’d have to go to the Attorney General for compensation or her local District Attorney to file charges.  Juanita insisted that she did not want monetary compensation, and that her local District Attorney wouldn’t prosecute Lizzy Borden if she’d ever been elected to anything.

Juanita does not want any compensation but she does want it to be known that Tom’s felony offense was not – in any way, shape, or form – a victimless crime.  Even the form for the victim compensation says that psychological damage is considered real and important, and maybe even real important.

Because of Tom’s cahooting, the State of Texas now has congressional districts that look like a bushel basket of wire coat hangers.  And, because of his decision to play political games over his indictment, Juanita personally went 6 months with no congressman.  Our Founding Fathers thought taxation without representation was important enough to die over so  Juanita figures that somebody should know how she felt having to pay taxes that year without a voice in Congress whatsodamnever.

“Do you have any idea how it feels when you cannot call your Congressman and holler?” Juanita asks.  “It gives you heartburn and headaches, that’s what it does.  Maybe I should be compensated for that.  The psychological part of the Victim Impact Statement asks if you have ‘feelings of helplessness.’  Does a one legged duck swim in circles?  Of course, I felt helpless over Tom’s behavior.  It also asks if you’ve had nightmares or ‘no trust in anyone.’  Creo que hell yes!  Does Howdy Doody have wooden toes?”

Straight from the Victim Impact Statement:  (Click the little one to get the big one.)

“And,” she continues on a roll, “every time I went someplace on business and had one of those name badges that said ‘Hello, I’m Juanita and I’m from Richmond, Texas,’ people would immediately and ask questions like, ”I bet the odor of chlorine is overwhelming in your town from all the hot tubs Tom DeLay’s been in,’ or ‘So, ‘all ain’t got no laws against stealing?’  Then they would snicker.  How do you think that makes me feel?  Job stress, that’s what!”

“And that whole Dancing With the Stars crap he did to draw attention to himself?  That’s anxiety on a stick.”

“Then there’s that goshwaful book he wrote.  I couldn’t even read that sucker, even when he talked about me in it, because of …. you got it, loss of concentration.”

“What really chaps my hiney is that Tom DeLay claims he’s the victim in all this.  For all he’s done to us while he was  out fancy pants drinkin’ and golfin’, he should have been stripped nakkid on Thanksgiving Day and dropped from a helicopter into the Cotton Bowl half time show with OU tattooed on his butt,” she wishes.  “However, I only think that because I have — put another check in the box — depression.”

“Anyway,” Juanita finishes, “I’m gonna fill this sucker out and send it in.  Even if they won’t let the judge see it, I’ll share it with you.”

Tuesday Toon Because I Really Like This One

November 30, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Taking That Hitler Thing Out For A Spin

November 30, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Y’all, it’s Joe Barton …. again.

Texas’ own Mr. Crazypants, Congressvarmint Joe Barton, made himself a slideshow.  Smokey Joe wants to be chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee and thought a slideshow would be a sure fire way to convince his fellow Republican congressmen to support him because most of them can’t read but like real pretty pictures.

Juanita says we better let Joe speak for himself because nobody else in the world is capable of such majesty.

He naturally touts his conservative credentials, saying, “I know the ropes and can hit the ground running immediately.” He especially appeals to the newly elected members, saying he would make sure they are represented on the powerful committee.

Then comes the money slide, titled: “What’s in Store for the Obama Administration,” with photos of President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Generals Omar Bradley and George Patton in uniform.

“Speaker Boehner is our Dwight Eisenhower in the battle against the Obama Administration. Majority Leader Cantor is our Omar Bradley. I want to be George Patton – put anything in my scope and I will shoot it.”

“Okay, first of all,” Juanita reacts, “Joe does know that George Patton had loco camped out in his eyeballs, right?”

“And,” she continues, “I suspect that someone has mentioned to him that shooting the President of the United States, even by the lofty hand of the Chairman of the Energy and Commerce Committee, is frowned upon by polite society.”

“And, last of all, I think President Obama might wanna give up on this ‘can’t we all just get along’ thingy he’s got.  They are coming after you, Mr. President, with intent to barbeque.  You cannot sweep sunshine off the porch.  You cannot teach a longhorn steer to sing the Aggie war hymn.  And you cannot reason with these people.”

“No, wait, there’s one more thing.  Somebody might want to mention to Eric Cantor that Patton was a notorious anti-Semite,” she suggests.  “I think maybe he might want to duck.”

The Frolicsome Adventures of the Birthers

November 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Under the category of You Never Know Which Way the Pickle Will Squirt, the Supreme Court declined to hear a lawsuit brought by one of the Birthers.

The Supreme Court has again cast aside an appeal that raised doubts about President Barack Obama’s U.S. citizenship, a grass-roots legal issue that has gained little legal or political footing, but continues to persist in the courts.

The justices without comment Monday rejected a challenge from Charles Kerchner Jr., a Pennsylvania man who sought a trial in federal court forcing the president to produce documents regarding his birth and citizenship.

Juanita is laying odds that it was a close vote, and that Justice Thomas’ wife will be making a lot of early morning calls to Kenya asking for people to apologize for Obama making up this whole thing about being an American citizen.

I’m Worried About James Dobson, Y’all

November 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Juanita simply cannot believe that a man so obsessed with homosexuality can possibly be straight.

In the wake of a number of gay students’ suicides this fall, and a national conversation about bullying, Exodus International, a group dedicated to “freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ,” announced that it would no longer sponsor The Day of Truth. An annual event that encourages students to “counter the promotion of homosexual behavior,” The Day of Truth has been organized as a counter-event to the much larger, Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network-sponsored Day of Silence held every April.

But The Day of Truth is not going away. The James Dobson-founded Christian ministry Focus on the Family has stepped in to replace Exodus International as the event’s sponsor, and has re-branded and re-framed it The Day of Dialogue.

“There are whole months that I go without thinking about how gays are different than I am,” Juanita admits.  “James Dobson cannot go 5 minutes.  Bless his heart, that just really takes a lot of energy.”

“So, I was thinking.  Maybe if we could re-direct all of James’ anti-gay energy into something productive, we could get something worthwhile accomplished.  I mean, that kind of energy could cure cancer, clean pollution, find a renewable energy source, and fix facial wrinkles.  But, no matter how hard you try, you ain’t getting Carol Ann out of combat boots.”

“I am also worried,” she says, “that maybe James ain’t as straight as he wants you, or even himself, to think.  Personally, I think the man can smell the bacon, but he can’t find the breakfast table.”

Grizzly Hunting

November 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


“Until they can scientifically prove that proud ignorance and rank hypocrisy are not contagious, Sarah Palin should have to stay in Alaska, where those things don’t seem to matter,” was Juanita opening statement this morning when informed that Thelma was coming in late so she could go see Wailin’ Palin in Houston today.

Love her or hate her, Sarah Palin will not be ignored. We are living in an era when politicians and experts of all kinds inspire mistrust, and Palin presents herself as the ultimate outsider – just a regular American gal, hunting moose and being a “mama bear” to her cubs.

Of course, this regular gal is a bestselling author, a reality TV star, a regular paid contributor on Fox News and a frequent public speaker, charging $100,000 performance fees, you know, like regular Americans.

“Honey, I’d rather try to measure water with a tea strainer than go see Sarah Palin,” Juanita admits, “because that would be far more productive.”

Thelma, however, is a giant fan of Sarah’s.  Thelma believes that the only thing standing between her and her own reality show is a tax cut.  When Juanita describes Sarah Palin as “Dan Quayle in a skirt,”  Thelma reminds Juanita that Dan Quayle never once had a cute wink.  So there.

It’s believed that Juanita will make Thelma go by the fire department and walk through the decontamination unit before being allowed back into the beauty salon.  In these days of stoopid politicians and the tea party, someone has to put their foot down to contain this stuff.

Actual headlines from today’s news.  They may have something to do with each other —