Archive for September, 2010

Okay, This Has Nothing To Do With Politics

September 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Babe, if you’re talking on the phone while using your iPad, you really, really need to drop the coffee.  You’ve had too much.  Plus, how the hell are you gonna drink that coffee without slapping yourself in the face with your iPad.

Additionally, you look like a dork.

Thelma says that’s why she likes being a large woman – in a pinch, with a good bra, you can perch your coffee between your ta-tas.  However, don’t do it unless you have an insulated mug or else it’s a booger to explain to the emergency room doctor.

Local Connection Rises Again

September 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Most of you know about Fort Bend County’s esteemed connection to the whole ACORN-sting dealie and James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, the dynamic duo who played hooker and pimp.

Well, it keeps getting better.

Come to find out, Little Mr. O’Keefe is in the news again.

Lusby, Maryland (CNN) — A conservative activist known for making undercover videos plotted to embarrass a CNN correspondent by recording a meeting on hidden cameras aboard a floating “palace of pleasure” and making sexually suggestive comments, e-mails and a planning document show.

James O’Keefe, best known for hitting the community organizing group ACORN with an undercover video sting, hoped to get CNN Investigative Correspondent Abbie Boudreau onto a boat filled with sexually explicit props and then record the session, those documents show.

“Noooooo ….,” Juanita laughs.  “That scrawny little twit thought that since he was a failure at being Geraldo Rivera that he was trying for Hugh Hefner?  I have visions of little bunny ears all over his boat and all manner of fur and red velvet.  Bet there’s a lava lamp and a disco ball, too.  CNN reporters always fall the disco ball thing.”

I can’t help but notice that Congressman Pete Olson hasn’t retracted his resolution on the floor of the United States House of Representatives honoring Giles and O’Keefe, even after the ACORN sting was proven fraudulent and O’Keefe was prosecuted for breaking into Mary Landrieu’s office.  Some Congressman are so slutty.

Can’t Help Lovin’ That Man

September 29, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Juanita’s feelings about Bill Clinton border on being an Aretha Franklin song.  He done her wrong but she just can’t help lovin’ him.

“Honey, I totally and completely understand why Hillary stays with him.  He’s Goodtime Bill,” she says without even a hint of sarcasm.  “He gets away with stuff that John Edwards can’t, George Bush couldn’t even imagine, and Barack Obama doesn’t understand.  Bill Clinton can hack off his base, his wife, his staff, his preacher … and we all still love him.  None of us want to, but he’s got the magic.”

“Aretha understands it, and Nina Simone does, too.  And, Honey, they are much smarter women than I am so who am I to question something like this —-”

Nearly 12 years after he was impeached, former President Bill Clinton is now the most popular politician in America, according to a new Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll.

Fifty-five percent of those polled hold a positive view of Clinton, while only 23 percent have a negative view, the best ratio of any of the politicians or political parties polled.

“And, there wasn’t even a second place,” she reports.

Only two other political figures, President Barack Obama and former Arkansas GOP Gov. Mike Huckabee, have a net positive rating.

Obama has a 47 percent positive rating and a 41 percent negative rating; Huckabee scored at 26 percent positive and 25 percent negative.

“Bill Clinton is the original Magic Man.  I absolutely do not want to love him.  Seriously, I don’t.  But I do.  God help me, I do.”

“Go ahead, admit it.  You do, too.”

Never Mind

September 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


In an amazing feat of irony ….

… several student organization, including the Libertarian Longhorns, the UT Students for Concealed Carry on Campus, the UT Objectivism Society and the UT Federalist Society planned to host John Lott, author of the book “More Guns, Less Crime,” at the UT Law School.

It was planned for 6 this evening.

I think it’s been postponed, at least until they get the blood cleaned up.

Just What The World Has Been Missing

September 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Pat Boone.

“Honey, I was shocked to know that he’s still alive.  I would have missed that on a trivia question,” she admits.

I know this is going to be a semi-bolt of “oh-yeah, really?” to you, but Juanita has uncovered the charming news break that Beverly Hills now has a tea party.  And, Pat Boone appears to be the only overtly greedy celebrity they could find.

“Girlfriends, this is your mother’s Pat Boone, and he still can’t sing worth a twit.  Thelma played me his song and all I could think is that there’s a difference between singing and noise.  Honey, he couldn’t carry a tune in a corked bottle.”

“But, that’s not the worst of it.  He wrote a song called ‘I Am An American’ which could only be called an insult to the word lyrics.  I’m gonna give you this link to it but I totally refuse to  deface  the English language by putting it on my website,” she says.

Juanita was also a little stunned to know there wasn’t already a Beverly Hills tea party before now.  “I mean, Honey, there’s Rodeo Drive in desperate need of preservation from the hoards of riff-raff Americans without even one Prada bag!”

“Bless their heart, rich white people are so victimized by their government.  Pretty soon, they’ll have to start shopping at Ikea.  You gotta feel bad about that,” she grins.

North Carolina Terrorists

September 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


There one of Sarah Palin’s Momma Grizzlies running for office in North Carolina.  Her name is Renee Ellmers and her only issue seems to be that she’s going to keep a mosque from being built at Ground Zero.

“North Carolina has a ground zero?” Juanita asks.  “I flat out didn’t know that.  What?  The Blue Devils have to change their name because of the Satanic reference?  The Tar Heels have a Ground Zero on the football field again?””

“I saw Renee on Anderson Cooper and she apparently ain’t the brightest light on the Christmas tree.  She made Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar,” Juanita says.  “She contends that not all Muslims are terrorists, unless, of course they are …. uh, Muslims.”

“When Anderson questioned her about this stuff, she fired back that he must be anti-Christian.  No, I think he’s just anti-bimbo and that’s not the same thing at all.”

“Renee is a real prize.  She spoke at a local GOP meeting in North Carolina and a local Republican recalls it this way….”

Renee Elmers of Dunn said people are “fired up,” and Washington is broken with a president who wants to ruin our country. She supports a limited government, believes in the Constitution as written and said jobs are needed.

“Yeah, yeah, Obama, hate.  Heard it, laughed at it, filed it away.  But, she believes in the Constitution as written?   Really?”

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion”

“When you start saying what can’t be a religion, you’re pretty much saying what can be a religion,” Juanita reckons.

“North Carolina went blue two years ago and I suspect they’ll stay that way,” she grins, “But I just wanted you to meet a Momma Grizzly.  Apparently they are not very smart animals. “