Archive for July, 2010

Oh, So This Is How They Do It.

July 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


Juanita taped a print out of a computer article to the snack room door.

The newest member of the Texas Senate, Brian Douglas Birdwell, voted in the November 2004 presidential election twice, choosing between George W. Bush and John Kerry in Tarrant County, Texas, and again in Prince William County, Va., according to election records in the two states.

Voting in the same election twice is a third-degree felony in Texas.

“I’ve been wondering how they win elections.  They vote twice!”  Juanita exclaims, “And now we have proof.”

“Generally in Texas, we elect good people to office and they go bad once they get all that power.  Can you even imagine where this guy’s going, what with his criminal behavior head start?  Plus, he’s a Republican so I’m sure it’ll be something real kinky.  I wouldn’t let my daughters around him.  Or my money, for that matter.  He’ll be robbing banks wearing nothing by a Lone Ranger mask and a pair of hunting boots before the session is over.  Mark my word.”

Phil’s Friends Bite the Dust

July 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


“Some days the news is just better than other days,” Juanita grins this morning.

MIAMI — A Texas businessman who admitted evading taxes through Swiss bank accounts with UBS AG was sentenced to house arrest and probation after helping investigators find American tax cheats.

A Miami federal judge put Paul Zabczuk (ZAB’-chuck) of The Woodlands, Texas, on three years’ probation Tuesday, including one year of house arrest. Zabczuk’s attorney says he is paying $832,000 in back taxes, penalties and interest to the government.

“As most of you know, the brains behind the UBS scheme to let millionaires hide money from their fair share of taxes was hatched by former Texas Senator Phil Gramm,”  Juanita explains.  “Not only is Phil one frighteningly ugly person, it is said in Texas folklore that beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.  Phil Gramm is used as the touchstone for that bit of folklore.”

“Phil,” she continues, “is also the reason people warn you that our Texas politicians continue to do damage even after they leave office.”

“People ask me all the time why Tom DeLay isn’t in jail,” she admits.  “Honey, the bigger mystery is why is Phil Gramm still walking around hurting America?”

“You wanna know what I think is sad?  Mr. Zabczuk has the money to pay almost a million dollars in fines, not even to mention lawyers.  I wish, instead, that he didn’t and had to spend some time busting rocks.  House arrest?  Can you even imagine how nice his house is?  Damn, I’d be a criminal, too, if I could get Hilton arrest.”

Women of Joy?

July 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Oh, bake my butt and call me biscuits.

“God will pull you through the fire?  Obviously, not so much for Sarah.  She lost,” Juanita recalls.

“Henry B. Gonzales, one of the greatest congressmen Texas ever had, is rolling over in his grave that Sarah Palin is coming to his convention center to spread ignorance, cattiness, and egomania – I.C.E.”

“It costs $99 to attend this and $350 if you want a hotel room that you’ll have to share to someone,” Juanita rolls her eyes.  “You can’t be joyful without paying for it, ya know.”

“Cripes, Women of Real Joy will be here at the beauty salon getting a pedi for $35.”

It Takes A Village ….

July 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

… and this is a two year old from my village.

(This is work safe.)

That is most certainly exactly right. Noooo…..

Thank you, Dr. Derek, for teaching him well.

He’s As Slippery As A Pocketfull of Banana Pudding

July 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


If somebody’s looking to buy a politician, Texas Governor Rick Perry announces the Grand Opening of Slick Rick’s Overnight Delivery Service.

Three years after Gov. Rick Perry’s biggest real estate score, questions persist about whether the governor benefited from favoritism, backroom dealing and influence-buying.

The Dallas Morning News found evidence that Perry’s investment was enhanced by a series of professional courtesies and personal favors from friends, campaign donors and the head of a Texas family with a rich history of political power-brokering.

Together they may have enriched Perry by almost $500,000, according to an independent real estate appraisal commissioned by The News.

“Step right up and take a gander at Slick Rick’s overnight Delivery Service.”

“It works this way,” Juanita the Huckster explains, “You pay the man; the man delivers.  What does the man deliver?  What ever you want!  You want laws to protect your profits?  He delivers!  You want a build a road right through the middle of Texas and name it Frenchy things?  He can get you that!  You want to sell your new medicine to all Texas pre-adolescent virgin girls?  Slick Rick delivers!”

Juanita steps away from the appointment table that she was using for a podium, puts down the hairbrush microphone and announces, “I cannot take it any more.  He brings shame to Texas.  Evict Rick, y’all.”



Get The Virtual Butterfly Nets – The Crazies Have Figured Out the Internets

July 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized


You knew it was bound to happen.  Juanita has been waiting, too.

You no longer have to get in your car and drive your butt to a tea party meeting to watch the crazies entertain you for free.  “Heck, Hon, I even bought myself a special lawn chair to go watch the teabaggers,” Juanita admits.  “Now I can do it in my jammies!”

And, of course, it’s from Texas.

“Oh lookie, Mable, there are black people shredding the Constitution! Snap, Girl, who do you suspect that is?  Billy D. Williams? Or maybe Hootie and his Blowfish?  You think they might mean Will Smith?  Hell, I wouldn’t put it pass that man.  I knew he was evil ever since he drug that alien around by his hair in Independence Day.  I’ll bet ya that’s Will Smith shredding the Constitution.  Or maybe Oprah in drag.”

“Yeah, Mable, we better get us some big ole hunker billboards before the black men buy up all the shredding machines and start on NASCAR next.”

“Yep, what we old white people need is some batcrap crazy billboards to scare the living daylights outta people that they’re gonna get shedded next.  And let’s drag ole Ronnie Reagan up outta the grave because, dammit, we haven’t abused his memory enough lately.  Yes siree, people would give us perfectly good American cash money to scare the poop outta ignorant folks.”

“Mable, there’s money to be made preying on people’s fears and those old white men are gonna start needing that money real bad because, and I’m sure this comes as no big shocker to you, that the treasurer of the Freedom Billboards of Texas PAC, Dennis Frakes, is an oil services company executive.

“And, Mable, it appears that he’s into off shore drilling, so I imagine he’s looking for work.”

Dennis Frakes, Angry Old White Man, Stay Off His Damn Lawn, Ya Hear?

“I dunno about you, Mable, but as for me, if there’s anybody in the gosh-forsaken world who I trust with my money and my country – it’s off shore drilling’ oil men.”

“God Bless America, Mable, and the crumbly old white off shore drillin’ oilmen who want to own it.”