You knew it was bound to happen. Juanita has been waiting, too.
You no longer have to get in your car and drive your butt to a tea party meeting to watch the crazies entertain you for free. “Heck, Hon, I even bought myself a special lawn chair to go watch the teabaggers,” Juanita admits. “Now I can do it in my jammies!”
And, of course, it’s from Texas.
“Oh lookie, Mable, there are black people shredding the Constitution! Snap, Girl, who do you suspect that is? Billy D. Williams? Or maybe Hootie and his Blowfish? You think they might mean Will Smith? Hell, I wouldn’t put it pass that man. I knew he was evil ever since he drug that alien around by his hair in Independence Day. I’ll bet ya that’s Will Smith shredding the Constitution. Or maybe Oprah in drag.”
“Yeah, Mable, we better get us some big ole hunker billboards before the black men buy up all the shredding machines and start on NASCAR next.”
“Yep, what we old white people need is some batcrap crazy billboards to scare the living daylights outta people that they’re gonna get shedded next. And let’s drag ole Ronnie Reagan up outta the grave because, dammit, we haven’t abused his memory enough lately. Yes siree, people would give us perfectly good American cash money to scare the poop outta ignorant folks.”
“Mable, there’s money to be made preying on people’s fears and those old white men are gonna start needing that money real bad because, and I’m sure this comes as no big shocker to you, that the treasurer of the Freedom Billboards of Texas PAC, Dennis Frakes, is an oil services company executive.
“And, Mable, it appears that he’s into off shore drilling, so I imagine he’s looking for work.”
Dennis Frakes, Angry Old White Man, Stay Off His Damn Lawn, Ya Hear?
“I dunno about you, Mable, but as for me, if there’s anybody in the gosh-forsaken world who I trust with my money and my country – it’s off shore drilling’ oil men.”
“God Bless America, Mable, and the crumbly old white off shore drillin’ oilmen who want to own it.”