.

Juanita has nothing against men.  She was raised with only brothers, gave birth only to sons, and was even married to a man.  There have been scant few women in her home life.

“As far as I know, there are  two positions for a toilet seat – up or wet,” she says.

“I have grown accustomed to men.  I understand men more than I want to.  Men are like dogs, but in the cute way.  Sometimes my dog comes up to me and buzzes on my leg.  In dog talk, that’s a sign of affection.  My dog doesn’t mean any harm by it, but dog talk is all he knows or understands.”

“Same deal with men,” she continues.   “They generally don’t mean any harm when they do something crazy.  They’re like my dog in that way.”

“One time I had a worthless ole dog.  He stayed gone all night and wouldn’t come in and keep my feet warm.  He made a mess all over my carpet and left his half gnawed bones scattered all over the house.  He scratched in inappropriate places when my friends came to visit.  He was worthless.  I got rid of that dog and got me a younger cuter one that I could train,” she admits.

“Did the same thing with a husband once.”

“Dogs are fine as long as you never begin to think they are human.  Same deal with men,” she says.

“So, I was disturbed when I read this article on the computer machine concerning what to do about boys who won’t read.  One woman came up with this bright idea ….”

‘Just get ‘em reading’
Butts, farts. Whatever, said Amelia Yunker, a children’s librarian in Farmington Hills, Mich. She hosted a grossology party with slime and an armpit noise demonstration. “Just get ‘em reading. Worry about what they’re reading later.”

“Okay, this isn’t helping,” Juanita rolls her eyes.

“If we expect this guy to make interesting conversation by the time he can date, I kinda think we should work on something other than bathroom humor.  I do not think we should expect Mandi Lynn, the homecoming queen, to flirt by making poopie jokes.  Mandi Lynn has already read a little Truman Capote while Joe Bob is still on ‘Detective Dan’s Guide to Snot Identification.’”

“We might as well just write off the human race if Joe Bob thinks armpits noises are a mating call.  There will be no more hoochy – koochy.  It’s over.  Personally, I think we’d all be better off if we didn’t expect boys to read at all.  Dogs can’t read and they are good companions.”

“Look, seriously, boys who don’t read are going to end up members of the Tea Party or Fox News watchers.  It’s better that those people do not mate.  But, Honey, nothing would be worse than a Tea Party where telling fart jokes is the main event.  So, let’s dump this idea and come up with another one.  Okay?” she pleads.