Archive for April, 2010
“Oh, dear Lord,” Juanita begins rolling her eyes skyward. “Texas Governor Rick Perry shot a coyote.”
“While jogging, he claims to have killed that sucker dead with a .380 Rugar loaded with hollow points bullets. But, that’s not even the creepy news. The creepy news is that he carries the Rugar because ‘he is afraid of snakes.’ Whoa! Why should he fear his own species?”
“To make matters worse,” she grins, “I am a little old lady. I admit that I arm myself against snakes when I’m out walking. With a damn stick. It’s a dead stick. And it’s not even loaded. And I’m a girl.”
“And to make matters even worse than worse, his hollow bullet Rugar is laser sighted. What’s he do? Shoot at PowerPoint presentations he doesn’t like?”
Every now and then Texas looses its Crazzzy Country title to some foreign state. For a while, South Carolina took it from us. Last week, Arizona popped up and grabbed our crown and sash.
But, don’t ever count Texas out because, Honey, we know how to grow fighters here.
“This time it’s Congressvarmint Leo Burman of Tyler, Texas,” Juanita announces. “Leo went to talking and out came some of the damnest words you’ve ever heard.”
“I believe that Barack Obama is God’s punishment on us today,” Rep. Leo Berman of Texas’ 6th district told the audience at a Glenn Beck appearance in Tyler, Texas. Berman added, “But in 2012, we are going to make Obama a one-term president.”
Berman, whose comments were first reported on by the Tyler Morning Telegraph, appeared alongside a number of other prominent Texas conservatives at the Oil Palace arena on Saturday night, including Texas Governor Rick Perry.
“Now I do not know about you, but I cannot help but wonder what it was that Leo Burman did to cause God to punish us. It must have been a humdinger!”
One of Juanita’s favorite words is absquatulated. She thinks her grandmother invented that word. It means: gone, as in ‘he absquatulated with all the money from the cookie sale.’
It can also mean turned up missing, as in ‘Missouri City Mayoral candidate Cynthia Lenton Gary absquatulated more than any other council person in the past three years.’
While councilperson Brett Kolaja missed one more meeting than Lenton-Gary did, he’s been serving a year longer, so she holds the record for her term of office.
“I did not see that information on her campaign literature,” Juanita confesses. “And while absquatulating might not be something to be proud of, holding a record does allow bragging rights. You’d think she’d want the citizens to know that she can do her job without showing up half the time. That’s pretty darn amazing.”
“You can’t miss that many meetings by accident,” Juanita says, “That kind of missing takes work.”
“So, tomorrow start a new program at work. Only show up every other day and then ask for a promotion,” Juanita suggests.
“The Lenton-Gary part time public service award will be handed out on election night,” she grins.
Like every other true blue American, Juanita is perturbed about Arizona being a very mean state.
“I am of half a mind to go to Arizona, get myself arrested and plead ‘No hablo Ingles.’ Lets fill those jails with white wimmen who are hacked off!” she suggests.
“Here my deal: Yes, this is racial profiling, but it’s more than that. It’s an excuse to violate the 4th Amendment to the Constitution” she explains.
“Right now, for the police to stop and search you, they have to have ‘probable cause.’ Under this new stinkin’ law in Arizona, if you look illegal, the standard to stop and search you is now ‘reasonable suspicion,’ which is a lower standard than probable cause. So, anybody who looks illegal is denied their 4th Amendment.”
“Poor John McCain, whose judgment no one should trust after that whole Sarah Palin thingy, says that this is a national security issue. He’s got a screw loose in his thinker assembly, Babe, because you don’t need to sneak into this country from Mexico to be a terrorist. Heck, you can get a student visa at a flight school.”
“Besides, look at Arizona over there. Hell, it all looks weird to me. And vaguely phallic.”
Y’all behave in the comment section, ya hear? Momma’s here and she can still catch you with a bar of soap.
Juanita’s good friend, E. Claire from Jarrell, Texas, send her a bright light idea.
E. Claire’s friend, one Ms. Elizabeth Moon of literary fame and fortune but missing a professional political organization of her own on the internets, sent E. Claire this email —
Someone you know will know how to organize this…but I think Ms. Lowden needs campaign contributions in the form of live chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, peafowl, emus, etc. delivered straight to her campaign headquarters. Each neatly labeled with the amount of the contribution, of course, so she will have to report it as income.
I do know where to get live gators. I do not, however, know how to ship them without really, really pissin’ them off before they get there. Once they arrive, I frankly don’t care.
I need real bad to do this, but the logistics have me baffled. Suggestions, customers?