Archive for January, 2010


January 28, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Here's the Deal

The story about Republican Governor candidate Debra Medina reminded Juanita of something you probably need to know:  the difference between Democratic and Republican woman

It all boils down to underwear.

“Republican women,” she begins, “will wear a $1,000 suit with the tackiest old $2 WalMart underwear and a bra held together with safety pins.  I know this for a fact, and so do you.”

“On the other hand, Democratic women will confidently wear a WalMart dress with $100 unmentionables and a La Perla bra.  It’s what we do,” she explains.

Thelma once asked Juanita why she spends lots of money on delicates.   “Juanita, why waste your money on something that nobody sees?”

“I see it,” she shouted back.  “And that’s the whole point.  I treat Miss Fabulous with all the care she deserves.  I know it’s there.  I know it looks great.”

Juanita suspect that’s why neither Sarah Palin’s or Debra Medina’s shopping ventures included the important items.   “I think,” she opines, “that their underwear is too tight and that makes them cranky, but it could also be that their thinkin’ mechanism has a kink in the hose.”

Snookerin’ Pete

January 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Uncategorized

Oh Lookie, Y’all.  Here’s our precious Congressvarmint Pete Olson with his United States House of Representative Official Resolution honoring James O’Keefe III for —-

Whereas Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe III have displayed exemplary actions as government watchdogs and young journalists uncovering wasteful government spending; and

Whereas Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe III are owed a debt of gratitude by the people of the United States: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives–

(1) honors Hannah Giles and James O’Keefe III for their work as investigative journalists;

Lookie here to see if your Congressman got snookered, too.

Major Announcement

January 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Here's the Deal

Juanita would like to announce that she’s running for office.  She will represent you well and won’t lie unless absolutely necessary.  Send her some damn money!

GOP governor’s candidate Debra Medina spent $2,437 on clothing for herself from her political donations, generally considered an ethics no-no. The state Ethics Commission has issued opinions, following the law that campaign contributions can’t be converted to personal use of a candidate. On clothing, the rule of thumb is that shoes, dresses, suits and whatnot would only be appropriate for a campaign appearance and couldn’t be converted to everyday wear.

Medina’s folks said all that was taken into consideration. She went to Dillards, Nordstroms, The Limited and a few other places to pick up clothing for her campaign stops. Campaign manager Penny Langford Freeman said the clothing items won’t be worn by Medina other than for campaign appearances. After the campaigning is over, she said they’ll be donated to charity.

Unlike Ms. Medina, Juanita will be doing her campaign shopping at HSN and local boutiques.  “The Limited?  Are you kidding me?  Nobody wants an elected official who shops at The Limited,” Juanita says.  “Plus, there’s no listing for Victoria’s Secret, proving once again that Republican women wear expensive clothes with tacky underwear.”

“I promise that as I represent you as whatever it is I’m running for, I will have great underwear,” she smiles.  “Democratic women have great underwear.  You can write that down somewhere.”

Out Loud Reading at The Beauty Shop

January 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Sumbitches

Most days, Juanita picks an article from the newspapers that she has her customer read out loud to her while she’s fixing hair.  In case you were wondering, today’s read out loud article is here.  Those of you following the Jack Abramoff case will dearly enjoy this.

She Gives Cornpone a Bad Name

January 27, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Local Stuff

Juanita is peeved this morning about a local thing.

The Democratic Party Chair in Fort Bend often causes Juanita to ponder the wavering line between incompetence and downright meanness.  “How do you know whether somebody did something awful because they’re dumb or because they are just hateful?  You can’t,” she contends, “because mean people are always writing off their meanness as a ‘mistake’.  If the Texas Legislature was worth a flip, they’d pass laws against that excuse.”

Elaine Bishop, the local Democratic Party Chair, has a strong and exceptionally worthy opponent in this upcoming election with a young, smart and energetic fella named Steve Brown.  Steve’s got ideas, smarts, energy, and a good way with people.

Well, Steve turned in his ballot application all according to law, saying he wanted his name printed on the ballot as Stephen “Steve” Brown.  He might as well have been throwing coins in a fountain because the current party chairman, the same Ms. Bishop as mentioned above, gave Steve’s requested ballot name to the County Election Officer as she is required by The Texas Election Code.  It is from this list that a ballot is prepared, so you would think she would take great care insuring that all the names are correct.  You know, what with laws and requirements and such.

She turned in two names for Steve – Steven Brown and Stephan Brown.  Neither is correct, and certainly neither is the name he requested for himself on the ballot.

The one the Election Officer picked for the ballot by using judgment that seems to be based on deep and abiding whim?  Stephan Brown.

“Good Lord!  In a race that will largely be decided by African Americans, they turned a perfectly nice African American young man into a Norwegian,” Juanita grimaces.

“Oddly, Elaine Bishop’s real name is Elena, but her requested name of Elaine got on the ballot just fine,” Juanita notes with eyes rolling above her new pink neon half rims.  “And, some other candidates requested their names include a nickname and that worked out just fine.  The only name she messed-up was her own opponent.  That reeks of not-an-accident.”

And 1,500 absentee ballots have already been sent out with Stephan’s Danish name on them.

A member of the State Democratic Executive Committee not related by marriage to either me or Juanita wrote that electing Steve would get rid us of the “cornpone and patronage party” we currently have.  Juanita thought it was a tad strong at the time.She Give Cornpone a Bad Name

She’s changed her mind.

And if any local Republicans want to waddle in and point out that there’s Democratic in-fighting, I need to remind them that they have a few luscious  fights of their own – the Steeple People vs. The People Who Drag Out Ronald Reagan.  Oh yes, I haven’t forgotten.

Pimpin’ the Pimp

January 26, 2010 By: Juanita Jean Herownself Category: Steeple People, Sumbitches

Juanita wants you to know that there’s a local connection to the whole pimp / hooker sting on ACORN.  The hooker role in that sting was played proudly and apparently very well by the granddaughter of Terese Raia.  Terese is a local member of the State Republican Executive Committee, and a well-known anti-sex activist.  Ms. Raia boasted all over town about her granddaughter’s role, never once seeing people wince with the thought of their own granddaughters playing the role of a hooker with such convincing ease.  Especially since she had no known training in the dramatic arts.

Well, it appears that the pimp role in the sting was played by a young man who just can’t get enough attention.  So, he called the media and told them that his son was in a balloon ….

No, it’s worse than that.

He and some buddies decided to play cops and robbers with a United States Senator.

NEW ORLEANS – A conservative activist who posed as a pimp to target the community-organizing group ACORN and the son of a federal prosecutor were among four people arrested by the FBI and accused of trying to interfere with phones at Sen. Mary Landrieu’s office.

Activist James O’Keefe, 25, was already in Landrieu’s New Orleans office Monday when Robert Flanagan and Joseph Basel, both 24, showed up claiming to be telephone repairmen, U.S. Attorney Jim Letten’s office said Tuesday. Letten says O’Keefe recorded the two with his cell phone.

According to Juanita, this classifies as dog dump dumb.

To bad they didn’t need a hooker.